It’s Bikini Season!
hearing about it when I am too effing freezing to not surround myself with all
of the blankets in my house and a roaring fire I have started from hacking
apart my kitchen table with an axe. Still, though, everybody’s like, “Eat
carrots instead of regular delicious food! It’s bikini season!” And then I
start worrying if people are HUNTING people wearing bikinis. Which also sounds
like a horror movie I want to write. Either way, it’s bikini season! So wear a
describes THE UGLIEST BIKINI EVER. Why would you wear yellow polka dots? Do you
want to look like you have acne scars? Jaundice Spots? I don’t get it. The
point is this: if the guy who sings that song thinks a girl wearing the
nastiest sounding bikini ever looks good in it, than I’m pretty sure you have a
good shot at looking great in yours.
Because Going to the Bathroom in a One Piece Sucks
one piece and standing topless in a beach bathroom. It feels like there you
just enjoy going to public bathrooms naked and clammy. You know that terrible
clammy feeling a one piece leaves, right? I do. It’s weird, you hate it, just
wear a bikini and you&’ll never have this problem again.
Give your tummy some sun
Brooklyn who try to dress like they are an extra in Saved By The Bell all the
time. So finally be able to not only prove to the world that you actually have
a belly button, but let your tum tum feel the warm sun for the first time in
it’s little baby life. It feels so good in the liiightttt.
average woman is a size 14
and boobs that go up to their chin? Yeah, that’s not me. I got a little on the
hips because I don’t find “grapefruit and crackers” the only items on
the food pyramid. However, if we let only the 300 supermodels ON THE FACE OF
THE EARTH think that that is the only kind of body should be in a bikini, than
that’s all we’ll see. Most of us don’t look like that and that doesn’t matter at
all. It’s totally normal to have a little extra than muscle and skin. Show it
off! Be proud of it! Make NORMAL the new NORMAL.
Wear a bra in public
be at Mardi Gras getting arrested or on Jerry Springer shaming my family. This
is the one time you can walk around in your bra and not be in your apartment
dancing to ’80s pop and eating bags of cookies. Take advantage of it!
BECAUSE IT’S HOT OUT
might be melting off and bubbling onto the ground. It’s best to wear as little
as possible, okay?
You’ll eventually be very, very old
“Oh man I feel so uncomfortable in this bikini!” And then you are 67
years old and looking at your old photos from “the social networkers back
in MY day” and you will tell your grandchildren, “Hot damn I was
HOT,” and they’ll be like, “Grandma be quiet!”
Men can’t wear bikinis
least let’s have something nice that men can’t have.
Confidence is Sexy
on the way they look in a bikini, then you suck. Everybody who would not like
you in a bikini is a sucky person. So that’s that!